Bipolar 1 and ADHD do not make my life responses consistent, different circumstances change my personality and way of thought. It is just the way it is.
It can make for a discombobulated life and confuse those around me.
Like Forrest Gump’s mom said, “Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re gonna get.” That pretty much describes me.
I’d love to react the same as I pass through life, have the same circumstance elicit the same response. I could plan ahead. But that doesn’t happen.
It would probably be easier for a reader of my memoirs to have me write consistently too. But be prepared for messy. And that is intentional. I want you to get inside my head and have a bit of discomfort. To see what my Yo-Yo life has been like.
Some days I might write in the present tense, other days in the past. I don’t know which until I put down the words. I surprise myself.
Even though I am writing memoirs, while I am writing them, the package of weather, sound, location, feelings, and happenings change day to day. And I am sensitive to them, they’re reflected in my writing. When I write an essay one day, it may not be the same as if I had written it on another.
I am like a sponge and what they call a highly sensitive person, my mind and body feels bombarded by everything. I am easily overwhelmed. Sometimes it is too much and I shut down. Nowadays, it isn’t really depression, I just find it necessary to be quiet, block it all out for a while. That differs from my dark, dreary and painful depressions, thankfully there are less of those now.
If I painted my life it would be choppy strokes like a Van Gogh, a mass of colors competing until they settle with exhaustion. Now, I am a watercolor. More subdued but no less vibrant.
The high sensitivity has been taken down several notches since I moved to San Miguel de Allende. Here, the pressure of noises, crowds, traffic, sights, and inconveniences differs from Oakland. Not necessarily quieter, Mexico is definitely not quiet. Life is however much more manageable and I am less reactive. I am a better person in Mexico.
It makes me wonder what would have happened if I had the means and awareness to have changed my location and life earlier. But that is water under the bridge, and I didn’t.
I am just happy I have now, and I might get another twenty or more years of contentment with the perfect partner by my side.
I had a mixed-up life. It took up a lot of space and made me sick and crazy.
Now, I have a happy ending and love every minute of it.
BarbaraAugust 13, 2020 at 9:54 pm
The watercolor metaphor is a beautiful one. I admire your candor and appreciate your descriptiveness. I wish others, wrestling with some of the same issues you have dealt with, will find this, as I know it will be useful to them. I can only encourage you to keep writing about your experiences and sharing them,
Ria TalkenAugust 13, 2020 at 10:27 pm
Ah, Barbara, thank you again for being so encouraging to me. The boost you give me whenever I add a post or read an essay goes right to my heart.